I Shall Not Want Read online

  “Or sent some poor caterer.”

  Cindy nodded. “I’m a bit shaky, and I’ll feel a lot better once they catch the killer and find Buff, but I think I’ll be fine.”

  “Good. I wanted to make sure before I left tonight.”

  “I release you. Go home and don’t worry about me anymore tonight.”

  He nodded and left. She hugged herself tight and made her way toward her own car.

  When she finally got home, Cindy flipped on the television, but news of the murder dominated every station so she turned it off. She could still see Derek’s lifeless eyes staring heavenward.

  Why do the eyes always have to look like that? She shivered and wondered if she was truly okay as she had tried to convince Jeremiah. Finally, she sighed and decided to go to bed and get some sleep, but first she double-checked the locks on all the windows and doors.

  When the phone rang, Cindy sat up in bed. She glanced at the alarm clock. Three minutes after five. She checked caller ID. Her mother. Not a surprise.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “When were you planning on telling me?”

  “Telling you what?”

  “About you at that charity event. Don’t try to hide it; I’ve seen the article and the picture.”

  “I’m not trying to hide anything, Mom,” Cindy said. She suppressed a yawn as she rolled out of bed. “I got home really late, too late to call.” She knew from experience that it would be pointless to remind her mom that five o’clock in the morning was too early to call on a weekday, let alone a Saturday.

  “Am I supposed to believe this just happened? You woke up yesterday, and it was a surprise?”

  Cindy walked into the bathroom, squinting as she flipped on the light. She looked at herself in the mirror. Huge dark circles shadowed the skin under her eyes, and she had that vacant stare she got when she hadn’t had enough sleep. “Yeah, Mom. Generally, I’ve found that murder is a surprise.”

  “What on earth are you talking about?”

  “The charity event last night, the dead body I found… again.” Cindy paused. “What are you talking about?”

  “Your boyfriend.”

  “My what? I don’t have a boyfriend.” Cindy leaned against the wall and wished she was still snuggled under her comforter.

  “That’s not what the papers say.”

  “What are you talking about, Mom?”

  “The newspapers all show pictures of the event, and each one of them has a picture of you hugging a man named Joseph. They say you’re his girlfriend.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “No, but I want to know who this boyfriend is you’re telling me you don’t have.”

  “He’s just a guy from church.” Cindy headed for her computer. “Mom, where did you see this picture?”

  “The Internet. It’s in the Pine Springs Gazette and the L.A. Times. Right there for the whole world to see.”

  Cindy dropped into her desk chair and clicked on her desktop icon for the Pine Springs Gazette. There on the front page was the picture: Joseph with his arms around her and the headline CHARITY IS MURDER. Beneath the picture was the caption JOSEPH COULTER WITH GIRLFRIEND CINDY PRESTON.

  She skimmed the article about the event, the murdered Derek, and two more references to her, one identifying her as the person who found the victim and the other giving her background from church secretary to the confrontation with the Passion Week killer to the fact that her brother was a travel show host for the Escape channel.

  Her eyes flickered back to the photo. Joseph was hugging her tight. She remembered the hug when she had arrived at his mansion.

  “It’s not true. He’s just a friend,” she heard herself saying even as she continued to stare at the photo.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. How did you even find this?” Cindy asked.

  “I have a Google alert set up.”

  “For me?”

  “No, for your brother. It’s the only way I can keep up with all the articles about him.”

  Of course. Her mother adored Kyle and never let one of his achievements go by unannounced. “How is Kyle?” Cindy asked, knowing her mom would volunteer the information, anyway.

  “He’s doing so well. His shows are on television all the time these days. I can’t turn on the television without seeing him, it seems.”

  “Maybe if you changed the channel once in a while.”

  Her mom ignored the sarcasm and kept talking. Cindy got up and wandered back into her bedroom. She closed the door, and there, in its customary place, was the dartboard with her brother’s face on it. She pulled the handful of darts out and sat on the bed.

  “He’s coming for Thanksgiving.”

  “Oh, that’s… nice,” Cindy said, tossing the first dart.

  “He’s been seeing a new woman. He’s bringing her home for Thanksgiving.”

  “Kyle’s bringing his girlfriend to Thanksgiving? Wow, that’s a big step.” Cindy threw the second dart.

  “I have high hopes. After all, someone has to give me grandchildren.”

  Cindy gritted her teeth and threw another dart at Kyle’s head. “I’m sure Kyle and what’s her name will have beautiful children.”

  “Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?”

  “No, Mom. I’m busy.”

  “If you change your mind, let me know. I can always set the table for one more. And then you could meet Kyle’s girlfriend.”

  When she finally hung up the phone, it took all of Cindy’s restraint not to throw it against the wall. She had lied to her mom about being busy because she didn’t want to be pressured. She hadn’t gone home for four years, and she didn’t want to.

  She sighed as she wondered what she would do for Thanksgiving. She was getting nervous. Less than a week before the big day, and she hadn’t had any invites yet. Normally, she found her way to the home of someone who took in stragglers for the holiday.

  She thought about going back to sleep but realized it was useless. She had too much on her mind, from Derek to Thanksgiving to wondering how many people would believe she and Joseph were dating to worrying about actual dating. She took a deep breath. It was Saturday, the day she had promised herself she would do something risky. She wondered if it was too late to change her mind.

  3

  JEREMIAH WOKE EARLY, PREPARED FOR MORNING SERVICES, AND THEN grabbed the paper to peruse over breakfast. The charity event and the murder took up the majority of the front page. His eyes gravitated to a picture of Cindy hugging Joseph. He glanced at the caption and choked on his coffee. Girlfriend?

  His initial reaction was skepticism, but then he thought about it. Joseph and Cindy went to the same church, and he and Cindy had barely spoken in months. He would be the last person to know if she had a boyfriend.

  He reached for the phone and called her.

  “Jeremiah, what’s up?”

  “I was just wondering how long you’ve been cheating on me with Joseph.”

  “What do you mean?” she blurted out.

  “I mean, we’ve been married more than six months, and now I find out Joseph’s your boyfriend.”

  He was teasing her. Over Easter when she’d been taken to the emergency room, he’d had to lie and claim to be her husband so he could gain access and protect her from the serial killer.

  “Oh, my gosh! He is not my boyfriend!”

  “Ah, but you admit I’m your husband?”

  He could hear her spluttering on the phone. “You’re impossible.”

  “So, seriously, you’re not dating Joseph? I was calling to congratulate you.”

  “No. Unfortunately, the Gazette isn’t the only one that’s got that picture and caption. The L.A. Times has it too.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Tell me about it. My mom called this morning and wanted to know why I hadn’t told her.”

  “Good luck dealing with that.”

  “Thanks. You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” he said. “Just gett
ing ready for services.”

  “That’s right. Good luck to you too.”

  “Why, do you know something I don’t?”

  “If I did, you’d be the first to know.”

  “Thanks, that’s very comforting,” he said.

  Jeremiah made it through services and realized he wasn’t in the mood to go home. He drove to the park, not bothering to change his clothes. Instead of taking his usual run, he decided to just walk, breathe in deeply, and try to find some peace after the events of the day before.

  The air was crisp and clean, and he was able to focus on the environment around him and the physical sensations of the ground beneath his feet, the wind against his face, and the smell of the earth and the trees.

  He saw a couple of people from his synagogue, and he smiled as he walked past. He turned inward toward a part of the park with denser trees and fewer people enjoying the space. He saw a man sitting on a bench, rocking back and forth with his head in his hands. His clothes were tattered, his hair unkempt, and at his feet sat a German shepherd who looked at him adoringly.

  For a split second Jeremiah thought it was one of the homeless people participating in the program, and then he realized he had not seen the dog the night before. Suddenly, the man lifted his head and stared right at Jeremiah. The hair on the back of Jeremiah’s neck stood on end as he realized there was something hauntingly familiar about the eyes that looked back at him, that widened in recognition. He was looking at a ghost. The ghost leaped to his feet, took a step forward like he meant to address him, and then turned and ran.

  Jeremiah jumped forward, intent on pursuit so that he could get a better look at the phantom. After a half dozen steps he forced himself to stop. He stood, hands clenched into fists at his side, his entire body strung so tightly the muscles quivered. The dog had leaped up and followed after his master.

  Jeremiah watched them go and wondered if his eyes had deceived him or if he knew that man from another time and place. Either way, it wasn’t good.

  Mark hated working on Saturdays. His wife wasn’t too pleased about it, either. She had already called twice to inform him that if he was late for dinner there would be trouble. He couldn’t blame her; it wasn’t easy being the wife of a detective. Sometimes his job was all-consuming as he strove to put killers behind bars. She was left home alone waiting for him.

  They had talked about having kids, but they weren’t ready. Still, she needed someone to keep her company when he wasn’t there. He had been thinking for a while about getting her a dog. She had grown up with dogs, but the two of them had never had one. Watching the dogs being adopted the night before had pushed the idea to the forefront of his mind and all but convinced him it was the right decision.

  He glanced at his watch. He needed to get going. He stood up from his desk, put on his jacket, and started walking toward the door. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Paul leap to his feet and head in his direction, a piece of paper clutched in his hand.

  “Am I going to like this?” Mark asked.

  “No. Neither is your wife. If you want, I’ll call and tell her you’ll be home late.”

  “Please tell me we at least got a break in the case.”

  “I wouldn’t exactly call it a break.”

  Cindy cursed the need to take a risk that had driven her to stand in the cold on a Saturday night outside a hotel ballroom. She sucked in her breath. The doors to the ballroom opened toward the parking lot, so she hadn’t had to walk through the lobby enduring the stares of others.

  Half a dozen people walked past her. A couple turned to stare at her as she shifted her weight nervously from one foot to another. She wore an emerald green dress and a pair of matching pumps. The shoes had been a mistake. They pinched her toes horribly, and sooner or later she would need to sit down either by going back to her car or by proceeding inside.

  She thought of half a dozen excuses why she shouldn’t go in, shouldn’t take part, shouldn’t take a risk. Come on, just make a decision.

  She turned, deciding to go home instead. She paused, though, as a man she knew walked up to her, a look of surprise on his face.

  “Joseph!” she blurted out.

  He smiled. “What are you doing here?”

  “Taking a risk,” she said, without thinking. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know…”

  “Home doing serious things instead of out participating in speed dating?”

  “Yeah.” She colored in embarrassment. It was bad enough she had signed up for speed dating, but she hadn’t wanted anyone else to know.

  “It can be difficult to find women who like me for me and not for my bank account. It was Derek’s suggestion that I try speed dating so that, you know, it would be nice and anonymous during the whole first-impression stage. He set it up and was insistent that I go. I figured coming here and doing this was better than sitting at home watching the cleaners try and remove all the blood from the office.”

  “I’m sorry.” Her stomach twisted as she remembered what that blood had looked like.

  He shrugged.

  “At least the event seemed to go okay yesterday… despite everything.”

  “I am grateful for that,” he said.

  “Yeah.”

  “So why are you standing out here?”

  “Chicken to go in,” she admitted.

  “I sat in the car for ten minutes,” he said with a grin. “I hate dating.”

  “So do I.”

  “Well, then, let’s go in together for moral support.”

  “Works for me,” she said. “Although it might be a little odd given that we’re supposed to be a couple.”

  “Oh, you saw that, huh? I’m sorry. I already called both papers and tried to set them straight.” He turned bright red.

  “It’s okay, although my mother called at five a.m. to ask me about it.”

  “You want me to call her too?”

  “No! I think that would just end up making it worse.”

  They ended up being the last two to sign in. Small tables were arranged in a circle with two chairs at each table that faced each other. Cindy was given a pen, a notepad, and a nametag with the number 20 on it. The men were assigned letters, and Joseph ended up with T. She took her seat at one of the tables in the interior ring, her back toward all the other women.

  The men all started at a table and after five minutes would rotate clockwise until they had gone all the way around the room. Each pairing had just five minutes to talk and impress each other. At the end of the evening, everyone would turn in their notepad, identifying the numbers or letters of the people they were interested in. The organizers would then go through and see if there were any matches. If Cindy and a man both were interested in each other, they would be given contact information and encouraged to go out on a real date.

  Cindy clutched her pen, her heart pounding. She was crazy for doing this.

  Joseph sat down at her table and gave her a tentative smile. “This way we can ease into this,” he said.

  The bell rang to start the session, and he leaned forward. “I enjoy travel, and my dream destination is Ireland. I also love dogs. I breed and show poodles. I own my own company. I’m involved in charity work.”

  Cindy couldn’t help it. She started laughing so loud that she drew stares from the woman sitting to her right.

  “What?”

  “If you don’t want women to be attracted to your bank account, you might not want to mention companies, charity work, and dog breeding.”

  “Oh,” he said, looking crestfallen. “I love movies, particularly romantic comedies.”

  “Better,” she said with a smile.

  “Okay, how about you?”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, your turn to introduce yourself.”

  “Um, I’m a church secretary. I find this whole thing a huge risk, and I don’t know why I’m here. I moved to Southern California for college.”

  “Bor-ing,” Joseph said, pretendin
g to fall asleep.

  “Hey!”

  “Well…”

  “Okay, I play a mean hand of poker, I’m great at darts, and I like Chuck Norris movies.”

  “What kind of guy are you trying to attract?”

  She hit him in the arm. The bell rang, and she shared a dismayed look with Joseph as he got up and moved.

  Guy S took his place, giving her a smile that was somewhere between cheesy and slimy. “I like long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and curling up in front of the fireplace with a nice bottle of wine.”

  “I like playing poker and watching Chuck Norris movies,” she said.

  He looked startled and then changed his tune. “That’s cool, you like to do more guy stuff. Clearly I’m a guy, and I like to do… stuff.”

  When the bell rang and Guy R sat down, she almost gasped with relief. “I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time to date, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I like going to the theater and traveling when I have the time. I need more excitement in my life, but I don’t have the first clue how to make that happen.”

  “Wow, that’s honest,” she said. “I’m a church secretary. I also like theater. I’d like to travel but I’m scared of taking risks, even though I also need something more in my life, excitement probably, but that’s hard to admit.”

  He smiled at her, a tired, weary smile. “Cool. I’ve been to three of these things, and that’s the best intro a woman’s ever given herself.”

  She was a little disappointed when the bell rang and Guy Q sat down. He was blond, buff, and full of himself. “I like to travel, and I’m into extreme sports. I don’t like to brag, but you’ll probably never meet a bigger daredevil than me.”

  “My brother is Kyle Preston,” she said stonily.

  His eyes opened wide. “Dude, really?”

  She nodded. “Really.”

  “Can you get me his autograph?”

  “No. I think we’re done here.”

  They spent their remaining four minutes in silence.

  The next eleven guys were remarkable in that they all seemed to blend into each other and become one indistinguishable ball of bland.